I woke up laying on the snow alone. I could not hear a thing. And I didn’t know why, nor do I know now. Truthfully, at that moment it did not matter at all. All senses seemed mute. Well… not all of them, but most. I guess I should have felt pain also, but I didn’t. What I felt was ease, I felt caressed.

As I couldn’t tilt my head to any side, I had no choice, but to stare at the sky and tree tops. My rational self was numb. I just observed lingering pine trees for hours that seemed like days and maybe months, eventually I lost track of time.

The only discomfort I felt was in my eyes. I blinked rarely, if at all. Moist dried up quickly. That day sun was so incredibly bright. There were no clouds to be seen coming to my rescue. Clearest ever, baby blue sky at that moment seemed like the cruelest creature.

At some point I must have fallen asleep. Slept it through. I guess drifting away for a minute was my temporal salvage. I am still doubtful about later witnessing starry night. It could simply have been my damaged iris echoing sunlight glimmers.

Breeze gradually started covering me up in snow. With occasional sand, dirt, pine spits, feathers, animal hair and other near-by forest blessings, I agreed to be wrapped, I agreed to be taken care of. My sight was hazy and painful, yet I felt good, I believe I even started feeling my pinky moving, breasts tickling, wet cold on thighs and possibly deeper breaths.

Breeze gradually started covering me up in snow. With occasional sand, dirt, pine spits, feathers, animal hair and other near-by forest blessings, I agreed to be wrapped, I agreed to be taken care of. My sight was hazy and painful, yet I felt good, I believe I even started feeling my pinky moving, breasts tickling, wet cold on thighs and possibly deeper breaths.

If I actually could move. If only I could help these winds do their job quicker. I knew it wasn’t up for me to agree or disagree, the only way out was surrender. I murmured things, though can’t recall exactly what, some stolen whispers, cracking voice sounds. My lips were dry.

I was covered now in snow completely. I eased in to inevitable defeat, but I still felt caressed, I felt ease. White darkness embraced every inch of my skin. I was happy. Sudden heat wave rushed through my body. Like a flashlight accidentally turning on and off because of battery glitch.

I knew I was gone, yet I felt most alive I have ever been. Luckily my best friend Lilly came. I was not alone anymore, but I did not feel alone being just by myself either. I have no idea how she managed to pull me in even deeper into the ground. She said she weaved a shelter for us. She said that I will be alright, but I was good already.

We talked, I liked listening her stories, sorrows and cheerful giggles. Mine followed too. And when conversation would stop, I’d entwine another memory braid and things would carry on. Truthfully, I was not defeated. I am dressed in courage. I am free, I am myself and as my last bits and pieces of self were being scattered away, I knew I was home. I am actually alright.


A. Umbrasas
Mark

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Mark




Photography by Ekvilina Milaševičiūtė

Mark